It’s not easy making the transition from an office to a cubicle. I always knew at some point, considering my profession, it would happen. So much so that I would often envision what working in a cubicle would be like so that when it did happen I would be ready. But, alas, I am not. The way my desk is, in my new job, people can sneak up behind me and stare over my shoulder. It’s never been easier to see how much work I am in the middle of not doing. Before, in my old job, I would make a big deal out of going into my office to churn out work. The fact that the work only took a few minutes and the rest of my time was spent surfing the Internet, was immaterial. Not now. Now when I’m not doing anything I have to impotently sit here and stare at my computer and make a big show out of being lost in work. When, in reality, I’m just lost.
In my first advertising job I had an office with a couch and a cubicle. In my second full-time advertising job I had an office with a window overlooking a courtyard filled with small mesmerizing lizards. It’s an irony that with each promotion my working conditions have gone down. Now I’m in a cubicle with sneaky people around me who are extremely quiet and don’t like listening to my music.
Whatever you do, don’t comment on this.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Thursday, October 04, 2007
THERE ARE PLENTY OF JOBS OUT THERE
Occasionally, and this has never happened, people will come up to me and complain about their job. "I hate my job," they will say. "There's so much work involved!" Then they will sigh and look inside themselves and get lost in thought. Then they will look at me and say, "Did you notice how lost in thought I just was? I did it for your benefit." I will then ask them where they had come from and demand to know what they are talking about. So they will repeat themselves and I will say, "so get another job."
"I can't!" they will say. Yes they can. Anyone can get a job. For example, I just read an article about a "group" of "scientists" who put out a "study" which I just read "online" so it must be true. What these scientists do is, they actually get paid to stand around outside and look at crows. That's it. They just sit around and watch these birds. Clock in. Watch birds. Go home. They do this day in and day out, month in and month out. Why? Because it's their job. They get paid to. So when someone tells me they can't get a job I can always tell them that anyone can get a job because there are people in England who get paid to look at birds. Maybe you can too.
"I can't!" they will say. Yes they can. Anyone can get a job. For example, I just read an article about a "group" of "scientists" who put out a "study" which I just read "online" so it must be true. What these scientists do is, they actually get paid to stand around outside and look at crows. That's it. They just sit around and watch these birds. Clock in. Watch birds. Go home. They do this day in and day out, month in and month out. Why? Because it's their job. They get paid to. So when someone tells me they can't get a job I can always tell them that anyone can get a job because there are people in England who get paid to look at birds. Maybe you can too.
Your False Congratulations Don't Fool Me
I fully appreciate your position. I do. It's just not politically correct to do anything other than congratulate me on my new job. But allow me to give you a few pointers, because I can see through your act like wet rice paper. When you tell me how happy you are for me, its a good idea not to ask if you can have my lamp. And I appreciate you taking the we're good friends so I can sit down in this chair and put my flip flops up on your desk as if I do this every day approach. I mean, what else can you really do? I could say that you would be better served not to say anything then to hit such an obviously false note. But would you listen? I doubt it. But it's awkward for me, because I am now a short timer: I no longer have to pretend that your presence doesn't make my asshole pucker. So next time, when someone else leaves, congratulate them from the doorway. Then move on. Because the next person might not be so restrained. Making eye contact is always a good thing to do. And, whether you realize it or not, you never do. Which, of course, is not a good sign for you. Unless you're in prison. Should you find yourself in prison, and, though I think you would do very well there, I hesitate to wish on you, your lack of eye contact could be a life saver. But it's not helping you now. People talk. So when you say how much you will miss me and how you hate to see me leave, you should know that I will soon find out from that person you tell everything though but really shouldn't how overjoyed you are to see me go. And lastly, when you ask a person if you should leave their office, and the person says yes, then that really is a cue for you to leave.
5 Signs It's Time To Let An Employee Go.
1. They can tell you exactly what's going on in a soap opera
2. They come back from lunch and immediately ask you to go to lunch.
3. They go to shake your hand, miss, and say, "wrong one."
4. They greet everyone they meet with "What's up donkey fucker?"
5. They chew on their arms during a meeting, look up, shrug, and say, "Fleas."
2. They come back from lunch and immediately ask you to go to lunch.
3. They go to shake your hand, miss, and say, "wrong one."
4. They greet everyone they meet with "What's up donkey fucker?"
5. They chew on their arms during a meeting, look up, shrug, and say, "Fleas."
ANATOMY OF A MEETING - PART 2
There are many different varieties of meetings. There's the productive meeting, for example. But this was outlawed for groups larger than 4 in 1979. Then there's the current meeting mode, which accomplishes nothing. As I have been in lots of meetings over the years, and meetings are such a big part of the jobs of the vast majority of "educated" America, I will not belabor the point. But I will discuss my current pet peave when it comes to meetings, and that the meeting that goes like this:
"BOSS" - There's a problem here, and my guess is it probably needs a solution. So let's hash it out, tee it up, run it up the flagpole, swing for the fences, raise the bar, and figure this thing out.
EMPLOYEE: Well, when I worked at BLANK, something not at all like this came up and we did something that is no longer relevant.
EMPLOYEE 2: I'm glad you mentioned your old job, because that reminds me that I, too, used to work somewhere else.
EMPLOYEE 3: All I know is, I worked really hard at my old job because my old boss was an asshole.
EMPLOYEE 4: When I was at BLANK, I believe we did something like THIS...no...that can't be right...no, it was like THIS! Well, now, that doesn't sound right either...
EMPLOYEE 5: I'm here. I don't have any previous experience that won't help at all, but I feel like I should say something, because you (BOSS) are out of town so much I rarely have the opportunity to ramble on in your presence. I like your tie, by the way.
BOSS: You have all brought up some very valid points, which I will mull over and deliberate upon. Let's have another meeting next week.
Most of my meetings go like this. People sit around and gab and all you learn is what they used to do somewhere else, back when they supposedly did work. Which, of course, is completely worthless information in a meeting. I think the solution to this problem, of course, is to fire everyone who ever begins a sentence with, "when I was at blank..." or, "when I was working on blank..." Because these people are living in the past. And the past is usually revised to make that person sound better than they are. It's human nature. You never hear people say, "When I was at BLANK, I sucked ass." That's why it's always important to pay attention to the DOERS. Because they DO. Look at their actions. Don't listen to their words. TALKERS talk. They walk around TALKING about working. "Man, do I have a work ethic," they will say, on their way to Starbucks. Or, "man, am I swamped," they will say, in the breakroom, watching television.
And then the post ended. Just like that.
"BOSS" - There's a problem here, and my guess is it probably needs a solution. So let's hash it out, tee it up, run it up the flagpole, swing for the fences, raise the bar, and figure this thing out.
EMPLOYEE: Well, when I worked at BLANK, something not at all like this came up and we did something that is no longer relevant.
EMPLOYEE 2: I'm glad you mentioned your old job, because that reminds me that I, too, used to work somewhere else.
EMPLOYEE 3: All I know is, I worked really hard at my old job because my old boss was an asshole.
EMPLOYEE 4: When I was at BLANK, I believe we did something like THIS...no...that can't be right...no, it was like THIS! Well, now, that doesn't sound right either...
EMPLOYEE 5: I'm here. I don't have any previous experience that won't help at all, but I feel like I should say something, because you (BOSS) are out of town so much I rarely have the opportunity to ramble on in your presence. I like your tie, by the way.
BOSS: You have all brought up some very valid points, which I will mull over and deliberate upon. Let's have another meeting next week.
Most of my meetings go like this. People sit around and gab and all you learn is what they used to do somewhere else, back when they supposedly did work. Which, of course, is completely worthless information in a meeting. I think the solution to this problem, of course, is to fire everyone who ever begins a sentence with, "when I was at blank..." or, "when I was working on blank..." Because these people are living in the past. And the past is usually revised to make that person sound better than they are. It's human nature. You never hear people say, "When I was at BLANK, I sucked ass." That's why it's always important to pay attention to the DOERS. Because they DO. Look at their actions. Don't listen to their words. TALKERS talk. They walk around TALKING about working. "Man, do I have a work ethic," they will say, on their way to Starbucks. Or, "man, am I swamped," they will say, in the breakroom, watching television.
And then the post ended. Just like that.
Friday, September 07, 2007
The Short Timer
We've all probably witnessed being around the employee who has either decided "to pursue other interests" on their own accord or by the subtle shove from behind. For some reason, on whichever side the idea originated, the employee is always expected to stick around for a polite period of time before departing. I don't know why this is. Usually the employer stops giving work to this person. Or, conversely, the employee doesn't feel compelled - especially if the idea of moving on didn't come from them - to do any work. Either way this means the employee spends his or her days walking around the office killing time. I know. I've been there myself. In my case, it wasn't my idea to pursue other interests. It came from a computer in a basement somewhere in New York, where fat men in suits sit around gorging on their own greed. When I was told I had two weeks I found myself with no work, roaming the hallways, bugging people, sitting on their couches, interrupting them as they spaced out looking for inspiration. My fellow colleagues had survivor guilt. They couldn't make eye contact and they took the stairs if I took the elevator. They laughed too loud or not at all. They bought me lunch and searched for conversation. It was awkward on many levels.
So I say why? If both sides are goiing to act like bozos, and there's no practical reason, then I say give the employee their money and let them go on vacation, whether they want to or not. It's much easier than watching both sides acting like they don't want to either get out of there or poke someone in the eye.
So I say why? If both sides are goiing to act like bozos, and there's no practical reason, then I say give the employee their money and let them go on vacation, whether they want to or not. It's much easier than watching both sides acting like they don't want to either get out of there or poke someone in the eye.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
THE MANY FACES OF HARASSMENT
We all know about sexual harassment. That's the big one that gets all the press. It's also widely ignored and disregarded, at least in my business. If people one day stopped harassing one another sexually a lot of people would run straight to the bar and feel miserable about how unsexy they were. But this isn't about that. This is about the other types of harassment I see on a daily basis.
STORY HARASSMENT
This is when a person comes into your office and, whether you like it or not, regardless of what you say or do, they are going to tell you a story. Usually it's a story you've already heard before. And it's quite often being told by someone who ranks above you; someone you can't simply ignore or walk out of your own office to get away from. It's nerve wracking, this type of harassment. Because it engages the Flight or Fight Response. Your body reacts to the person and their impending story just like your ancestors reacted to being chased by a saber toothed tiger. But there's nowhere to run. You're trapped behind a desk, your entire body screaming in panic, completely helpless. On top of this, because you don't want to lose your job or lose your ability to spend more than you earn, you are expected to laugh and make the occasional comment to make this person feel good about you, while furthering to strengthen that person's misguided notion that what they are saying is remotely interesting. Story Harassment is very real. And its effects can not be discounted.
OLFACTORY HARASSMENT
While a more subtle form of harassment, this is nothing to laugh about. This is when a fellow colleague wears an overwhelming amount of perfume or cologne, or they take after the French and simply wear body odor. They come into your office, perhaps to inflict some Story Harassment, and they smell up the place. This form of harassment is very hard to put up with, because your body can have it's own opinion that you can't control, no matter that your paycheck demands that you don't. The eyes water. Bile rises. And gagging ensues. It's not pretty. The only remedy is to fake a digestion emergency and flee your office and wait for this person't unfortunate odor to leave.
NARCISSISTIC HARASSMENT
This one is similar to Story Harassment. But instead of trying to overwhelm you with what great orators they are, they come in and sit down and do nothing but talk about how great they are and how wonderful their lives are. This is probably a sign of insecurity. But the office is not a therapist's office. It's unfair to be expected to put up with such nonsense. An example might be someone who tells you about how they used to live paycheck to paycheck, but now, even though all they do is spend money, they never have to worry about not having any. Then, and this is how you can tell where the motivation lies, they wait for a validating response. They are waiting for you to tell them how lucky or smart they are. Which, of course, you should never do, as this will either further fortify their belief that they are better than everyone else, or cause them to tell you some more great things about them. This form of harassment, which is very real, is best dealt with by suggesting that the person has something between their teeth. This personality type will immediately panic and run screaming to the bathroom, allowing you to get back to work.
THE OVERWORKED PERSON WHO IS NEVER DOING ANYTHING
This isn't really a type of harassment. It's just annoying. You know these people. They're the ones who are always complaining about how busy they are. As they sit in your office not doing anything. It never ends, all the work I do, they will say, staring off into space. Then, when they find out that you are working, they will find someone else to complain about all their work to. This, while annoying, is an extemely successful way to get promoted. Because these people, the ones with nothing to do, are the ones who have the time to go around announcing how busy they are. The real busy people are too busy working.
FLIP FLOP HARASSMENT
This one is rare, found only in extremely warm climates that forgo traditional dress: California, Florida, Hawaii, Death Valley, etc., where flip flops are considered perfectly acceptable business attire. These shoes, if they can be called that, announce themselves long before the person wearing them is remotely visible. Flip. Flop. Flip. Flob. Heels slapping violently against rubber. It's the equivelent of someone walking down the hallway with an airhorn. Occasionally these people, will come into your office and actually plop their flip-flop be-clad feet on your desk. Which, in a perfect world, would be tantamount to automatic dismissal. But, alas, as things are these days, as the work place becomes ever more casual, this does not look to be the case any time soon.
There are many other types of harassment of course. Here are two more that I'm too lazy to elaborate on:
CACKLE HARASSMENT: People whose laughs are so obnoxious and loud that they can actually rattle the brain
BACK SLAPPERS: People who actually slap you on the back should be taken out and shot.
STORY HARASSMENT
This is when a person comes into your office and, whether you like it or not, regardless of what you say or do, they are going to tell you a story. Usually it's a story you've already heard before. And it's quite often being told by someone who ranks above you; someone you can't simply ignore or walk out of your own office to get away from. It's nerve wracking, this type of harassment. Because it engages the Flight or Fight Response. Your body reacts to the person and their impending story just like your ancestors reacted to being chased by a saber toothed tiger. But there's nowhere to run. You're trapped behind a desk, your entire body screaming in panic, completely helpless. On top of this, because you don't want to lose your job or lose your ability to spend more than you earn, you are expected to laugh and make the occasional comment to make this person feel good about you, while furthering to strengthen that person's misguided notion that what they are saying is remotely interesting. Story Harassment is very real. And its effects can not be discounted.
OLFACTORY HARASSMENT
While a more subtle form of harassment, this is nothing to laugh about. This is when a fellow colleague wears an overwhelming amount of perfume or cologne, or they take after the French and simply wear body odor. They come into your office, perhaps to inflict some Story Harassment, and they smell up the place. This form of harassment is very hard to put up with, because your body can have it's own opinion that you can't control, no matter that your paycheck demands that you don't. The eyes water. Bile rises. And gagging ensues. It's not pretty. The only remedy is to fake a digestion emergency and flee your office and wait for this person't unfortunate odor to leave.
NARCISSISTIC HARASSMENT
This one is similar to Story Harassment. But instead of trying to overwhelm you with what great orators they are, they come in and sit down and do nothing but talk about how great they are and how wonderful their lives are. This is probably a sign of insecurity. But the office is not a therapist's office. It's unfair to be expected to put up with such nonsense. An example might be someone who tells you about how they used to live paycheck to paycheck, but now, even though all they do is spend money, they never have to worry about not having any. Then, and this is how you can tell where the motivation lies, they wait for a validating response. They are waiting for you to tell them how lucky or smart they are. Which, of course, you should never do, as this will either further fortify their belief that they are better than everyone else, or cause them to tell you some more great things about them. This form of harassment, which is very real, is best dealt with by suggesting that the person has something between their teeth. This personality type will immediately panic and run screaming to the bathroom, allowing you to get back to work.
THE OVERWORKED PERSON WHO IS NEVER DOING ANYTHING
This isn't really a type of harassment. It's just annoying. You know these people. They're the ones who are always complaining about how busy they are. As they sit in your office not doing anything. It never ends, all the work I do, they will say, staring off into space. Then, when they find out that you are working, they will find someone else to complain about all their work to. This, while annoying, is an extemely successful way to get promoted. Because these people, the ones with nothing to do, are the ones who have the time to go around announcing how busy they are. The real busy people are too busy working.
FLIP FLOP HARASSMENT
This one is rare, found only in extremely warm climates that forgo traditional dress: California, Florida, Hawaii, Death Valley, etc., where flip flops are considered perfectly acceptable business attire. These shoes, if they can be called that, announce themselves long before the person wearing them is remotely visible. Flip. Flop. Flip. Flob. Heels slapping violently against rubber. It's the equivelent of someone walking down the hallway with an airhorn. Occasionally these people, will come into your office and actually plop their flip-flop be-clad feet on your desk. Which, in a perfect world, would be tantamount to automatic dismissal. But, alas, as things are these days, as the work place becomes ever more casual, this does not look to be the case any time soon.
There are many other types of harassment of course. Here are two more that I'm too lazy to elaborate on:
CACKLE HARASSMENT: People whose laughs are so obnoxious and loud that they can actually rattle the brain
BACK SLAPPERS: People who actually slap you on the back should be taken out and shot.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
MANAGEMENT MEETING
Right now, in my office, the management meeting is going on. As a result the entire office is a ghost town. The way it works is, if you stick around long enough, regardless of skill or ability or leadership qualities, you become management. One day everything is normal and then someone comes up to you and congratulates you on making it into management. It is, of course, both a curse and a trap. A curse in the sense that you are now expected to attend management meetings in which your fellow bosses sit around, eat food, and parade their ignorance for all to see. You sit there, nauseated as you listen to the countless obvious lies floating through the air; right up until it's your turn to fill the air with lies of your own, which everyone nods to knowingly, pretending to believe. It's politics. It's a game. And it's, none of it, based on any sort of reality. It's a trap because they often make you management in lieu of paying you any more money for your hard work. They pay you the same amount and ask you to do more work. As things stand now, if things continue to go the way they are currently, the entire company will do nothing but sit in management meetings trying to figure out why no work is getting done.
Friday, August 10, 2007
DRINKING THE KOOL-AID
I am reading this book about the history of the CIA. Most specifically about the Bay of Pigs Invasion, in which a bunch of very smart people, including President Kennedy and his brother, sat around making horrendous decisions together. What happened was, what with everyone being smart and all, they naturally assumed themselves to be right. They had collectively convinced themselves of the rightness of their actions. Or so it would seem in this book, written by someone who wasn't there. And I've seen this phenomena play out time and again. Like our current administration. Only replace all the really smart guys with really greedy dumb guys. But they all believe what they're saying because they are always talking each other into the fact that they are right.
I think the same phenomena must be going on next door to where I live. For almost two years now I have been listening to an unholy amount of racket as they work to build what I had been told would be the coolest condo high rise in Orlando. This isn't saying much. And it's saying even less now that you can actually see what they have built. They have built an exact replica of a government high rise from the 1970's. In Moscow. It's about as far away from cool as a person could get. And units the size of a small studio apartment sold for half a million dollars when the sales center first opened. I'm sure most of those people, blinded by greed, believed that the sky was the limit in terms of what the average bone-headed American family would spend for their college graduate son or daughter to have their very own "starter condo." I'm sure a lot of those people are less than enthusiastic about what they've gotten themselves into. I can't imagine driving up to that condo with any feeliing short of loathing. It's a building for old dentists, shyster lawyers, and bankrupt private investigators.
Yet, in the initial stages, someone had to sit in an office and sign off on this travesty. Maybe some courageous soul, who was no doubt immediately fired, said something like, "You've got to be kidding me. This is the design? What are we, catering to communists?" Or maybe not. Maybe a bunch of people, marinating in their own sense of misguided righteousness, blinded by greed, and in a hurry to bilk people of their money, convinced each other that this building was not the blight on the skyline it now is.
The moral or point in all of this is: woe to the individual or committee who doesn't allow for the dissenting opinion. Don't drink the Kool Aid!
I think the same phenomena must be going on next door to where I live. For almost two years now I have been listening to an unholy amount of racket as they work to build what I had been told would be the coolest condo high rise in Orlando. This isn't saying much. And it's saying even less now that you can actually see what they have built. They have built an exact replica of a government high rise from the 1970's. In Moscow. It's about as far away from cool as a person could get. And units the size of a small studio apartment sold for half a million dollars when the sales center first opened. I'm sure most of those people, blinded by greed, believed that the sky was the limit in terms of what the average bone-headed American family would spend for their college graduate son or daughter to have their very own "starter condo." I'm sure a lot of those people are less than enthusiastic about what they've gotten themselves into. I can't imagine driving up to that condo with any feeliing short of loathing. It's a building for old dentists, shyster lawyers, and bankrupt private investigators.
Yet, in the initial stages, someone had to sit in an office and sign off on this travesty. Maybe some courageous soul, who was no doubt immediately fired, said something like, "You've got to be kidding me. This is the design? What are we, catering to communists?" Or maybe not. Maybe a bunch of people, marinating in their own sense of misguided righteousness, blinded by greed, and in a hurry to bilk people of their money, convinced each other that this building was not the blight on the skyline it now is.
The moral or point in all of this is: woe to the individual or committee who doesn't allow for the dissenting opinion. Don't drink the Kool Aid!
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
WHO READS ALL THOSE BOOKS IN THE BOOKSTORE?
When I was growing up there was a vast library in the living room filled with books. They fascinated me. They covered an array of subjects. The only thing that didn't make sense to me was the fact that I never saw either of my parents read anything but the newspaper. (And that was only my dad. And he usually did it in the bathroom. I picture him in there, not going to the bathroom at all; but, rather, hiding from his family, desperate for peace.) Nevertheless the books impressed me. It was something I didn't see at other people's houses. Not in the quantity I did at home. I would take them down and thumb through them and admire all the words in them. Even before I knew how to read I admired them. How could someone fill up so many pages with letters? It boggled my mind.
And now I have my own rather large library of books. If the cat could write, his blog wouldn't be much different than mine. Only he would claim that I never read anything but the newspaper or watch television. He would also think I was a phenomenally fast reader, not knowing that my restless mind is incapable of focussing on a story long enough to actually read it. The fact that I don't read books, I have found, does not keep me from buying them. I have no problem buying a book I know I will never read so long as it covers a topic I wish I knew something about. For me, as it must be, the DESIRE to read is enough to warrant a books purchase. I feel I must support the person who persisted in the research and relentless pushing of keys, not to mention the years of back-breaking anquish and rejection letters and pompous editors and number crunching useless fuck-balls that go into the creation of the book I'll never read. They deserve something for their hard work.
I also don't think it's that bad, should I ever meet this person, to compliment them on their book. Even though I know nothing about it other than it cost $17.95 and had a cool dust jacket. And I don't think I'm the only one. If my parents couldn't bother to read the books on their bookshelf all those many tedious years ago, it goes without saying that the adults of today are even worse. With all the technology at our fingers, that we caress even when we have to turn it off during movies and on airplanes, releasing silent withdrawal tears nobody can see, the very idea that someone, somewhere still manages to read all the books they buy in the bookstore is flat out preposterous.
So let this blog entry serve as notice that I do not feel guilty that I have an overwhelming number of books resting unread in my bookshelf. Because everyone of them represents a moment in time when I told myself that maybe, despite all evidence to the contrary, things could be different.
And now I have my own rather large library of books. If the cat could write, his blog wouldn't be much different than mine. Only he would claim that I never read anything but the newspaper or watch television. He would also think I was a phenomenally fast reader, not knowing that my restless mind is incapable of focussing on a story long enough to actually read it. The fact that I don't read books, I have found, does not keep me from buying them. I have no problem buying a book I know I will never read so long as it covers a topic I wish I knew something about. For me, as it must be, the DESIRE to read is enough to warrant a books purchase. I feel I must support the person who persisted in the research and relentless pushing of keys, not to mention the years of back-breaking anquish and rejection letters and pompous editors and number crunching useless fuck-balls that go into the creation of the book I'll never read. They deserve something for their hard work.
I also don't think it's that bad, should I ever meet this person, to compliment them on their book. Even though I know nothing about it other than it cost $17.95 and had a cool dust jacket. And I don't think I'm the only one. If my parents couldn't bother to read the books on their bookshelf all those many tedious years ago, it goes without saying that the adults of today are even worse. With all the technology at our fingers, that we caress even when we have to turn it off during movies and on airplanes, releasing silent withdrawal tears nobody can see, the very idea that someone, somewhere still manages to read all the books they buy in the bookstore is flat out preposterous.
So let this blog entry serve as notice that I do not feel guilty that I have an overwhelming number of books resting unread in my bookshelf. Because everyone of them represents a moment in time when I told myself that maybe, despite all evidence to the contrary, things could be different.
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